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When Your Child Notices Differences

By Jenny Matson, Education Program Manager, Chicago Childrenís Museum

I grew up in a diverse town, playing and going to school with children of different backgrounds and ethnicities. With a Japanese mother and a Norwegian/Swedish father, I was accustomed to differences within my own extended family. But one day when I was about three, my mom and I went to the local library for story time. When the storyteller opened the door to welcome us, I started to cry; she looked different from the people I saw every day, and I told my mom I was scared of the "chocolate" lady. Smiling, the storyteller waved us in, but my mom was still embarrassed by my remark. It's easy to feel that way when children point out distinctions that we as adults have been trained not to mention.

Young childrenís brains are primed to recognize things that go together and things that are dissimilar. Thatís how we learnóby generalizing, recognizing groups and rules for how things work, and being aware of exceptions. While we praise children for recognizing the difference between a circle and a square, many of us change the subject when children recognize differences in people's skin color or abilities. At a place such as Chicago Children's Museum, children may encounter more diversity than they do in their everyday lives. Asking questions does not mean your child is prejudiced-or that you are. Itís simply a sign that your child is trying to figure out how it all works. Even so, questions about differences are not always easy to answer.

"Why is my skin darker than those kids over there?"
By age three, children are becoming very aware of how other people differ from them. In attempting to be politically correct, caregivers will sometimes steer the conversation toward the topic of similarities, but this might send a message that something is wrong with having skin of a different color. A child may simply need to know that skin color is something we are born with, just like hair and eye color, and that they are correct in noticing that people are different colors. Donít be afraid to mention race and ethnicity and to teach your child the words used to describe people's physical differences and backgrounds: black, white, Pakistani, Italian, Chinese, African-American, Asian, etc. Diversity is a good thing!

"Is that really her mommy?"
By age three, children start to figure out who belongs with whom and seeing families who are made up of different races may surprise them. How you answer this question may depend on whether or not the family has shared the answers with you. If so, explain that the child is adopted or looks more like her father or a grandparent. But if you don't know, you can still talk about what's on your child's mind (taking care not to stare or whisper in front of people). What made you think that wasn't her mommy? Do you think she might look like her daddy? Explain that you really don't know the answer, but sometimes parents and children don't look that much alike.

"What is wrong with that boy?"
Children are often curious, even nervous, about people with disabilities. Help rephrase your child's question so it doesn't contain a judgment, Are you wondering why he needs to use a wheelchair? or Are you wondering why she is talking with her hands? A matter-of-fact answer is best. Sometimes people can't walk because the muscles in their legs aren't strong enough. A wheelchair helps them move around. If your child continues to be curious and you know the family personally, consider approaching the other child's parents. According to Judith Stigger at The Cradle, an organization that works with families, most parents aren't offended by questions from children.

"Will I go blind too?"
It may take some questioning before your child admits why he is afraid to approach a child who is different. Sometimes children believe a disability might be contagious. Could it happen to them too? From a childís viewpoint, this is not as farfetched as it seems. Children are changing all the timeónew teeth are coming in and they quickly grow out of their shoes and clothes. Part of their cognitive development involves sorting out which changes will happen to them and which will not. They've probably learned to wash their hands to get rid of germs so they won't catch a cold. Why wouldn't playing with someone with a disability put them at risk for catching it? Assure your child that having a friend with a disability will not put them at risk in any way.

For more on this topic, check out these great resources:

Books for Children

Whoever You Are, by Mem Fox
All the Colors of the Earth, by Sheila Hamanaka
Why Am I Different? by Norma Simon, Dora Leder
All the Colors We Are: The Story of How We Get Our Skin Color, by Katie Kissinger, Wernher Krutein ï The Colors of Us, by Karen Katz
It's Okay To Be Different, by Todd Parr
The Brand New Kid, by Katherine Couric
A Rainbow of Friends, by P. K. Hallinan
Someone Special, Just Like You, by Tricia and Photographs by Ortiz, Fran Brown
Some of My Best Friends Are Polka Dot Pigs, by Sara Anderson
Different Just Like Me, by Lori Mitchell
Who's in a Family? by Robert Skutch, Laura Nienhaus
The Family Book, by Todd Parr Books

Books for Adults

Are Those Kids Yours?: American Families With Children Adopted From Other Countries, by Cheri Register
Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? A Parent's Guide to Raising Multiracial Children, by Donna Jackson Nakazawa
I'm Chocolate, You're Vanilla: Raising Healthy Black and Biracial Children in a Race-Conscious World, by Marguerite Wright
Race: The Reality of Human Differences, by Vincent Sarich, Frank Miele
Talking About Difference: Encounters in Culture, Language, and Identity, by Adrienne Shadd
Talking About People: A Guide to Fair and Accurate Language, by Rosalie Maggio

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