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Giving and Getting

By Jennifer Farrington, Associate Vice President of Education, Chicago Children's Museum

The upcoming holidays season brings many joyous traditions, among them the custom of giving gifts. Yet, gift-giving also poses real concerns for parents: How can I keep the focus on what's really important? How much is too much? How can I convey to Grandpa that Junior doesn't really need that X21000 Super-Electric-Glow-in-the-Dark car? How do I maintain a healthy balance between making my children's dreams come true and spoiling them?

The rampant consumerism of the December holidays-not to mention year-round birthday parties-can be overwhelming. But before you pull the plug on all gift giving, it's important to recognize what children can learn from giving and receiving.

What Does a Child Learn by Giving?
Leslie Mitchell Bond, mother of three and a child development consultant at the Erikson Institute, says that gift-giving can help children develop empathy by imagining someone else's desires and needs. "Explain that you're going to the store to pick out a gift for Johnny's special day, keeping the emphasis on what Johnny will like."

Focus on the process of giving, rather than the gift itself. Involving children in shopping, gift-wrapping and card-making can make parting with the present easier. Encourage your child to imagine how the recipient will feel at the moment they are handed this wonderful package. Do you think Mimi will be surprised? What will she think it is? A highlight of many birthday parties, the act of unwrapping gifts is especially meaningful to children who are truly invested in the gift-giving processósomething host parents might bear in mind when deciding whether to include this activity.

What Do Children Learn from Receiving?
As gift recipients, children have an opportunity to practice invaluable social skills: appropriately thanking the giver, expressing sincere appreciation (whatever the gift), and suppressing the urge to convey any displeasure. Preparation is key in matters of diplomacy, so practice before the big event. Kids delight in role-playing a birthday party, with empty cups, pretend food and, of course, gifts. Take turns wrapping a book in a tea towel and presenting it to each other, responding enthusiastically to the gesture. A gift? For me? How thoughtful!

Over time children begin to recognize gifts as symbols of love, caring, or friendship. This is especially true of handmade gifts or gifts that hold special significance, such as a hardbound copy of your favorite childhood book. However, adults need to keep in mind that young children may be years away from fully appreciating how much effort (or money) a gift cost adults. By modeling your own gratitude, you can raise your child's awareness of the message a gift sends about how special they are. A hand-painted jacket! It's so beautiful. Aunt Deena, you must have been up all night!

Thank you notes also offer an opportunity for children to express their appreciation and to hone their writing skills. Even young children can draw a picture to add to the note a parent has written, and, when they are able, they can add their signature. Older children might write a simple acknowledgement, with the emphasis on simple. A line or two will suffice as long as it communicates the message. Providing small cards, rather than large pieces of blank paper, will make the task less daunting. Here are some helpful strategies for managing the gift giving process year-round:

Thanks, I made it myself!
Encourage your child to make presents for friends and family members. Children are naturally inventive and take great pride in their workóall they need are the right tools to create some wonderfully imaginative items. They also benefit from working on projects as a family, when caregivers have an opportunity to model not only the act of giving, but the enthusiasm and generosity that go into homemade gifts. Be sure to include your children in holiday baking or craft projects. Very young children can help mix and knead; older ones are great at reading out the recipe instructions or measuring ingredients. Children of all ages will delight in creating gift tags, wrappings and cards.

Simplify, simplify, simplify!
Children, especially very young ones, are often more thrilled with the box and wrappings than the gift itself, leaving parents to wonder, Why did I spend a lot of money on that fancy electronic toy? Next time, follow your child's lead for a simple, inexpensive, and sure-to-please gift. Considering a princess dress or Harry Potter costume? Instead, get several large remnants of tulle or sequined fabric-perfect for capes and togas, not to mention baby wraps and picnic blankets. Does your nephew go ga-ga every time you get out the Scotch tape? Don't be shy about presenting him with several rolls of inexpensive transparent tape for his next birthday. Some adults may raise eyebrows, but they're sure to be won over when they see the delight on your nephew's face.

Older children appreciate art and office supplies (inexpensive notepads, envelopes, hole punch, pencils-try the mechanical ones, tape, and stapler), gifts that promote open-ended artistic expression, role-play, and literacy skills. Presented in a plastic shoebox, they'll provide hours of engaged play and learning. Craft or model kits also make great gifts for older children. A tip on kits: If any these projects requires adult help, include a coupon redeemable for your services. Children will remember your special time together long after the gift has been discarded.

Celebrate the child
Regard gift-giving as an opportunity to engage your child's skills and interests. For instance, start or contribute to a collection. As early as age three, many children demonstrate a genuine, if not obsessive, interest in collecting. A special stone, accompanied by a book on stones and a partitioned box, may be all it takes to jump-start what will develop into an extensive rock collection. An inexpensive snow globe presented every year on Hanukkah can become one of the holiday's most anticipated and treasured holiday traditions. Coupons for one-on-one time together-skating with Dad or extra time at the park with Mom-are appreciated by children as young as five, but don't delay the gratification too long. If you have a skating date, go tomorrow. And absolutely no cancellations!

Set limits
Lynn Marlott, educator and mother of three, suggests setting a limit on all birthday gifts before the invitations ever arrive. Whether a hard-cover book, wooden puzzle or other gift of your child's choosing, stay within the set price range. Monetary limits are usually more difficult for parents, who can still fall prey to peer pressure, than children. Children generally are unconcerned-even unaware-of the difference between an expensive and modest gift. Informing your child of the intended purchase prior to shopping can help thwart any lobbying for extravagant gifts.

Setting clear guidelines for extended family and friends helps in managing the types of gifts your child receives. A subtle hint may be sufficient to get your point acros-Mom, Jane has a ton of Barbie clothes-or, you might need to state your case in stronger terms-Marcus and I don't allow toy guns. Please respect our decision. This can be tricky when dealing with acquaintances or classmates, but-after the party and a gracious thank-you-never hesitate to take away an inappropriate gift. Managing the sheer quantity of holiday gifts can be especially challenging for large families, but with a little ingenuity-such as drawing names or limiting the size of parties-this can be accomplished.

©2007 Chicago Children's Museum

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